If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
