so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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