and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
