last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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