So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
