i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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