You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Randomize
