We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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