found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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