remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
