I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
