Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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