Say something about gay babies.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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