well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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