i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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