I cannot find my penis.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
where does the pee come out of this thing
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
