i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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