I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
