If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
