he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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