My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
