i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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