We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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