My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
