you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
