Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
