the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I touched a dick in church today
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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