I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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