So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize