Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
