Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
