i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
