Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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