I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
