I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
