I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
