i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
