I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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