If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize