Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
