You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
