My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
This is the high leading the old right now
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
