Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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