The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
