hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
My liver just broke up with me...
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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