I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
