***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
