never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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