Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
