I hate all girls vehemently.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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