I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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