Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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