i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
