Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Can you bring me the toilet please
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize