don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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