I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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