I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
