I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
