It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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