I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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